History of the World: Part Jasmine
I really didn't want to get into the heavy stuff right away, but this had to be done. I want people to get to know me, so I decided to post a little (well, not so little) introduction to myself. I decided to make this a historical photo essay of my life as a girl so far. I'll get straight into it.
My journey into the transgender world started a little differently than some. I had not 'experimented' with crossdressing at all... I decided I wanted to do it, found a friend to help me, bought some clothes and makeup, borrowed a wig, and got dressed. I had a friend do my makeup, and she picked a name that would stick to this day. Then went immediately out to the gay bars of Denver on a Thursday night (2-20-2003). I started out like many girls do, as a fetishy Drag Queen.
I was a total disaster, see? OK, so maybe it wasn't horrible and all, but I could have done better. I spent a lot of time having fun in the club circuit, sometimes going out as a girl and sometimes as a boy. I'd stick to mostly the gay clubs and I met a lot of very nice and supportive people. I ventured outside the gay clubs scene only on rare occasions, but I didn't really encounter many problems with people.
At this time in my life I wasn't really sure what direction I was heading and whether I would plan to venture into the "real world" as a woman or not. I was keenly aware of several things; one, I had been aware of feeling "feminine" since a very early age; two, I really loved being able to dress and act as a woman; and three, I didn't really feel much like a Drag Queen.
I was aware of feeling more like a girl than like a boy as early as I can remember. I can pinpoint it to my first day of Kindergarten. I remember feeling as if I was different from the boys in some fundamental way, and over time, I came to realise that I was a lot like the girls. For the first 32 years of my life, I couldn't act out on this feeling, because I lived in a very conservative environment, had a ten year marriage, two wonderful children, and a long term job at an ultra-conservative company after 5 years of college and a messy divorce. That is another blog entirely, but suffice it to say that I was happy to be able to express my feminine side in such a dramatic way. I ended up spending quite a bit of time doing the whole "drag thing," and I enjoyed it very much. I changed my look over time and was still not seriously considering becoming a woman full time. It was only in the back of my mind.
As I said before, I didn't feel much like a Drag Queen. I felt I was more of an All-American girl. I was more June Cleaver than Liza Minella. This bugged me, it was a nagging voice in my mind that wouldn't leave me alone. Nevertheless, I still looked and acted very much like a drag queen. I became a frequent performer at drag shows and a fixture at the clubs. I performed frequently and helped organize drag shows in the Denver area. All of these shows are to benefit charities (primarily through tips to the performers), so I felt good about what I was doing, and I got to enjoy being a woman on a regular basis. It was a win-win situation, I thought.
I really enjoyed performing as a female impersonator, and over time I realised that my love of singing could help me enjoy it even more. I started singing live in drag shows, which was immense fun, but I was definitely different. I have a very powerful voice and I didn't have a problem with dressing in drag and singing like a man, even though I can impersonate some women singers. I did Elton John, Elvis, Enrique Iglesias, Queen, Norah Jones, Peggy Lee, and so on. I occasionally did lip-sync performances as well. I have been told I do the best Joan Jett ever, but I don't think I look much like her... well, maybe.
During this time I experimented with many different styles. I was always fond of the goth look, but I was beginning to think that kind of thing was a little too dramatic for me. I didn't like to stand out in the crowd. I wanted to blend in with the rest of the girls. The photo to the right is very pretty I think, but it's not what I wanted for myself. At the time though, I really didn't know any better. I wanted to look more like the regular girls, but I didn't know how to do it.
Eventually I turned to a few friends and got some help. I lived for a while with a transitioned girl, and she helped me improve my ability to "pass" by leaps and bounds. Still, there was something lacking. I desperately wanted to be a full-time girl, but it wasn't happening.
A strange thing began to happen in my mind at this time. I began to seriously think that I could pull off living as a woman on a full-time basis, and I became determined to force it to work. I had been growing my hair out and I looked extremely like the rest of the girls in town. I began going to shops and out to dinner and so on, dressed much like the photo here. My hair was shoulder length and I had learned to do more subdued makeup and wear more appropriate fashions for a casual "everday woman" look.
At this time I still got "read" on a regular basis. My look wasn't refined enough, and I didn't have the skills to behave like a woman all the time. I was also wearing breast forms, as you can see in the photo, I was hooked on high heels, and I had a mild fetish for brightly painted nails. I also had noticeable facial hair, and my makeup techniques weren't perfected yet, so I still looked very manly. I had trouble with my look, voice, attitude, and so on. I still managed to pass fairly well in most situations, but not where it was important. I think I knew I was fuckin up to transition so fast, but I couldn't accept it.
During this time of my life I was not doing well financially and I really didn't have the money to transition on a permanent basis. I was dreaming, and it hurt my life, a lot. That is a subject for a another blog, but in the picture to the left, when I was living about 90% of my time as a woman, I was not as happy as I look. This photo is from February of 2005, so it's almost exactly two years after I began crossdressing. I was pretty drunk when that photo was taken, and I was taking some big risks with drinking.
This was a very dark time in my life. I was heavily into the club scene and was also trying to find work most of the time. I was drinking a lot and I was really not behaving in a healthy way at all. It was August of 2005 before I would find a decent job, but for over a year, I struggled, in vain, to live as much of my life as possible in "girl mode."
I had tried to transition at my job, but it just wouldn't work. One day I got a call out of the clear blue sky asking if I would like to come to Utah and work a short computer programming contract. I was pretty surprised since I hadn't been looking for work in Utah, but God does work in mysterious ways. I wasn't happy about going to such a conservative area of the country, and the worst part was, this company had contacted me under my boy name. There was no way in heaven or on earth that I was going to be able to be a woman and take that job. However, I remembered something a good friend had once said to me, at a very dark point in my life. He said, "Jasmine, you are going to have to let that man you still have inside save you from this, or you're never going to get anywhere." With those words in mind, and the ridiculous amount of money I was offered, I had no choice but to take the job in Utah, and resign myself to "boy mode" for a while. I quit my job at the grocery store, had a little "last blast" fun in Denver, and proceeded to move to Utah. The photo on the left is from shortly before I moved.
A very cool result came of that decision... I got my transition back on track and my career back on track at the same time. I also learned that a tranny actually can pass in Utah. I wasn't able to live as a woman very much while I was there, but I did manage to get in a few outings with friends. One particularly fun day was a road trip to Salt Lake City to see Brokeback Mountain. The town I lived in was too conservative to show it on opening day, and my friend just had to see it right away, so we drove down there, had some dinner and saw the movie, which is really good, by the way. The photo on the right is from later that evening after I got back home.
This was a real turning point in my life because I was finally able to gain some respect in a field I love, repair my career and reputation as a programmer, and make enough money to afford some transition-related items. I finally had the money to justify hormones in my monthly budget, and I started on estrogen right away. In March of 2006, I learned that my last day on the job in Utah would be very soon. I had a sense of this and was always aware it was a limited contract, so I had already been looking for other work. I hadn't been having much luck and I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't find anything. However, through the absolute grace of God Himself, I almost immediately found another job back here in Denver. I was out of work for only about 2 weeks, while I hastily moved back to Colorado.
I currently live in the Denver area, and I'm working as a guy right now. I'm on hormones still, and getting laser hair removal on my facial hair. I have a couple more treatments to go with that, and I can currently go about a week without shaving. The hormones are working and I feel more like a woman every day. This makes it much easier to pass in public, and I plan to transition at work, but I'm going to take it easy this time. I rushed into things before and it messed up my life. I'm not eager to make the same mistake again. Things are going great for me right now, I'm transitioning slowly, and enjoying life a lot more. I even have time for some fun... the photo on the left is from my Vegas vacation!
My entry into the transgender world has been a little rocky, but I've done a little better than some of my sisters, so I feel quite blessed. I'm sure everything will come out well in the end. I have confidence that this world will accept me as a woman, that I will be able to enjoy my career, and that I'll be able to have fun in the process. I'm much happier now, and I know that feeling will continue in the future. This last photo is another one from my Vegas trip, this was on Christmas Eve, 2005. I am finally as happy as I look in my picture!
That's about all I have for today. I know it's long, but I wanted my readers to get to know me a little bit. I think that history is very important in life, and I hope that people will find my story interesting. Maybe next time I'll write about something more boring - not!
Stay groovy y'all! Jasmine
