Crossdressing 101 - The MFAQ

If you prefer to read this on my web site, it's also posted there.

I've been struggling with transgender issues all my life and I wasn't able to do anything about it for nearly 32 years, so I'm well aware that it's hard to get out of the closet. I participate in many email lists and groups designed to help various types of crossdressers with various issues. There's everything from fetish groups to hormone and surgery groups. I try to give the best I can to those forums because if it wasn't for the Internet, many of us would still be in the closet. If it wasn't for people communicating with me, I would never have been able to do the things I do now. However, sometimes these groups annoy me a little bit and I get a little touchy. What bugs me, for a whole bunch of reasons, is that people ask the same questions over and over again, and we post the same answers over and over again.

As I said, I do like to help, so I do answer questions the best way I can, but there is one questions that, after a while, I felt had been asked and answered too much... way too much. And so I present to you (drumroll please), the MFAQ - Mother Frequently Asked Question. It goes something like this:

I've been crossdressing for 87 years in private, and I want to go out as [insert femalename here], but I'm just not sure what to do. My wife [does or doesn't] know about myurges, and she [is or isn't] upset about it. Do you know where I can get a makeover? I'm just not sure I'll be passable - I can do some makeup and whatnot, but I just don't know... What do I do?

Now obviously, this is a really good question, and I do feel it deserves a really good answer. I respect the situation here, buit I see this all the time and there's really only one thing to do. This question has been asked so many times it will make your head spin, so I looked up an answer of mine from the archive. Here's how I answered the frightened crossdresser, from a Motel 6 one lonely night in Utah (with slight edits):

If you want to become a more passable crossdresser or learn to have comfortable fun with your fetishes or become a fabulous drag queen, here's what you do:

Take your balls out from between your legs and get your wimpering candy ass out there in the real world and meet some real people already! You've been a man all your life. Act like it.

Now that I got that out of my system... I will admit, I was terrified the first time I went out as a girl. I very nearly had a heart attack I'm sure. I adjusted very quickly, and some people will not have that experience, and I understand that it can be frightening, but it absolutely has to be done. You need to make a decision about whether you are going to be a closet crossdresser forever (which is ok, by the way), or whether you want to go out in public. Once you've decided that, you should let nothing stand in your way, including your own fears, finances, other people, and so on...

Now, I'm not saying a person has to get their girl on and become fully entrenched in the community on some random Friday night, but go out in boy mode or something and meet people. I did that a lot. People were always surprised to see me at BJ's [a Denver Drag Bar] as a boy, but until I really got the hang of things, I just had too many problems being a girl all the time. However, when I got to the point where I was ready for that, I already knew a good number of people in the community and was good friends with a few crossdressers and drag queens, so I had a support system in place when Jasmine finally showed up on the scene. There is nothing wrong with going and hanging out at gay bars and trying to get to know people. There should be no fear involved with that, and it will ease your fears about crossdressing as well. Once you get to know a few people, see how comfortable we are, how others react to us, and you realize the full breadth of the rainbow of various CD expressions, it will help alleviate most of those fears.

Also, you need to realize that when you decide to publicly crossdress, your existing community will get smaller. You will need the support system of the crossdressers, admirers, barkeepers, and so on, to replace the people you will lose. 50% of transsexuals kill themselves. Current data tells us that a common element in suicides is lack of a support system of close friends. I am telling you this from personal experience. You don't want to be sitting at home at 3am alone and drunk off your ass after having a bad crossdressing-related experience, and have no one to call and talk to about it. Trust me on that one.

The other major reason to get involved in the community in real life, is because people can help you. Yes, people will help you! I can't stress that enough. I have photos from my early days that I simply will never show people. I started out as a total mess! There were several people in the community that saw a lot of potential in me, and I made those relationships work to our mutual advantage. I did a lot of charity work as a drag queen, and I helped organize shows and so on. In turn, I gained a lot of respect and people were eager and happy to answer my questions and help me out with makeup advice, hair, clothes, and so on. Heck, one night Kelly Micheals took me in the dressing room at BJ's and completely re-did my face! I've been doing it pretty much that same way, with a few improvements, ever since. But in 20 minutes, she showed me things I could never have learned from a makeover shop, or on the internet, or anywhere else, and it CHANGED MY LIFE! The time that people have spent with me has changed my whole life, not just made me a better crossdresser, but gave me a new outlook and allowed me to face the world as Jasmine without having a heart attack. Now, the folks at Studio Lites and Phyllis's Fantasies have helped me as well, but not as shopkeepers so much as friends and fellow drag queens. Phyllis is a great person, and I have modeled for her shop in a fashion show, and I appreciate her greatly. I count Phyllis among my very good friends, but I still wouldn't advise getting a makeover from her shop.

Now I'm not sayin you need to go out and become a drag show organiser or something, but you need to be seen and get to know a few people. The community is somewhat segmented, and you will have to figure out where you fit in. At any rate, you will be getting valuable experience and you will be sure to have a good time! Now that I am living in a place without a TG community, I value this experience even more. I feel quite strongly on this subject and I do not mean to offend anyone, rather I hope you will be inspired by my words and motivated to chase your dreams! I think a strong TG community is imperative for the future of crossdressers and the American community in general, and the more activity we have, the better. So go on girls! Get on with your bad self :)

Have a groovy day!
Jasmine

PS: One more thing. Be ladylike. Be ultimately polite and respectful to everyone, even moreso to the people you don't like - this is the classy woman's way. Don't touch people, keep your dick in your skirt, keep other people out of your skirt (seriously), don't be a bitch to anyone no matter how rude they are, don't ever, ever leave BJ's with any men you don't know, especially if you have had more than 2 drinks (take that from personal experience, too).